by kaloscounseling | Grace, Motherhood, Parenting, Priority |
Seasons. : a time characterized
by a particular circumstance or feature.
Last week as I celebrated another birthday, I came to the realization that a new “season” is fast approaching. In fact, I believe it may already have arrived.
As my youngest child is ten, and my two older ones are teens, it appears I have graduated from being a parent of young children now, a mother of tweens and teens.
I really did just blink and this happened.
Each season can feel like an eternity at times. Simultaneously,they also pass me by, without my even noticing.
I am far from perfecting any of the seasons of this life.
But, you know what? As I spent time reflecting on things this year,I realized I have gained something better, an opportunity to grow and learn throughout each one. Yes, much of living well is about trial and error.
However, there are still admittedly a few things I wish I had known along the way.
What I wish I had known in the early seasons of marriage and parenthood:
1) If you can, get out and travel before you have a 9-5 job. My husband and I were much to rushed to line up the responsible job. The opportunity to do so will be waiting when you return. I promise.
2) If your spouse is kind, loyal, hardworking, makes you laugh and has good character, you are doing better than most. Trust me.
3) The friends you choose matter greatly. Find the ones you can ponder life with, laugh until it hurts and act completely yourself around…..all at the same time. Make sure those same people alsohave the courage to call you on your faults, in an honest and gentle way. Finding someone who has each of the above mentioned qualities is rare. If you do, nurtureand tend to the relationship well.As time goes by, these will be the same people you end up reaching for when you feel like you have lost the ability to muster up strength during times of difficulty. Unfortunately, difficult times will happen. None of us are immune.
4) From childbirth to parenting, many will gladly share opinions with you. Some of these will certainly be worth considering. Yet, when it comes down to it, you and your spouse can and should make the final decisions together and guilt free.
5) This one is about pregnancy. I don’t know your story, so this one may or may not relate to you. But, if you were like me, (and this is said with a lot of gratitude and only a little bit of complaint), you may think you will never live to see your earlier, pre-pregnant, carefree life again. The irony is, the things you were worried about losing end up mattering not nearly as much as you thought they would. And what you never thought you would be into? Let’s just say, an apology for making fun of your neighbors minivan may be warranted.
6) The first time you see your baby you will experience a kind of love you never thought existed. You will also experience a kind of sleep deprivation no warning can prepare you for. You will get past the sleep deprivation, but the love? Never. I understand now when my mom says she still worries about and loves her kids with a great intensity, no matter how old we get. A mom’s love never ends.
7) The dishes and laundry? Now, unlike the love discussed above, these are the things you want to end, but seem as if they never will. Yet, as many who have come before me have said, the time and moments of first smiles, giggles and birthdays won’t ever be re-wound for another viewing. So, exhausted as you may be, and as much as you want to be sure to get the everyday tasks completed to “pre-child perfection”, soak in each moment of that newborn baby breath, and intentionally study the miraculous creation you have been provided, as often as you can. The dishes can wait until the morning.
8) Yet, at the same time, it is ok to cry when the days are hard and long. They will be. I was often hesitant to admit I was needing something, or had a bad day. It felt like complaining. Admitting the truth does not mean you don’t love your baby or you are not thankful. It just means the day was hard and long. I have found most things that are worth it to be difficult. Admitting challenge does not mean you want the challenge to go away. Either does wanting a night out. You will be all the better for both.
9) When your children grow up and a few years pass, the opportunities for personal growth will continue. When one of your now elementary school age children come home after not making the team, or not being invited to the birthday party, or _____(fill in the blank), it is OK to want to march over to whoever made the decision and give them a piece of your mind. And, yes, even though you may feel this, DON’T. Our “feelings” are not always the best guide. Sometimes our way is not “the way”. Additionally, we cannot create perfect utopias for our children, nor should we. Life throws curve balls. If we don’t allow our kids to fall, they miss out on the opportunities life provides in figuring out how to get back up on their own.
10) Finally, although I feel as if I am just getting started, I would have to say that accepting what season you happen to be in, without inviting restlessness or guilt is imprative. A neighbor may be an active school volunteer,this is something you may not able to pull off with a newborn at home. Allow yourself grace and know your limits. As my oldest child is quickly approaching college, I have become incredibly mindful of one of the most certain lessons I have learned along the way. I am recognizing that although there are areas and moments I wish I had done plenty of things differently, not once have Iever regretted taking the time to connect and ” just be” with her. This same truth goes for my other two children, spouse, friends and family. As we stop and take time to just “be” with those we care about, we are showing them they matter. Regardless of season, that is a truth worth holding onto.
A relevant link:
On the Day I Die
M o r e O f O u r B l o g
by kaloscounseling | Anxiety, Motherhood, Parenting |
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On the eve of the first day of school, the jury is still out for me as to whether this quote about anxiety and the average psychiatric patient is backed up by research, but I wouldn’t be surprised. I recently spoke with a middle school guidance counselor and asked what the biggest concern he observed today in students.
His answer? You guessed it, Anxiety.
As school starts back tomorrow, there likely will be a few nervous children. In our communities and perhaps in your very own home there are children wondering what this upcoming school year may bring. In many of these cases the question is not whether anxiety will occur, but, what can you as a parent do to help? We thought we’d share some thoughts.
- Empathy is key. Consider carving out a moment to remember back to the time when you were the age of your child. Go ahead. If the student in question is in high school, be intentional about going back to that time yourself. What we think they are worried about, may not necessarily be what is worrying them at all. My contributors to anxiety at sixteen were making sure I fit in, knowing my outfit was up to par, and praying I could escape a bad grade in Algebra. Today these are clearly identified as low triggers of concern, but they still resulted in my experiencing brief moments of anxiety. I can’t imagine if the media bombardment of today specific to terrorism, school shootings, and racial tension existed. I am not even sure I’d step foot on campus! Adding to that, the increased competitive environment for grades and getting into college has stepped up significantly. Throw social media into that mix and it is fair to say, our children live in an entirely different culture than the one we grew up in. Listening to what they have to say while acknowledging the difficulties they face is vital. Although some parents may fear this acknowledgement could invite excuses, I have found the opposite. Empathy invites the confirmation of knowing you are seen. Tackling something difficult with support and encouragement increases courage, especially believing someone back home is in your court and “gets it”. Empathize.
- Seek to really understand. Anxiety is such a broad term that until we pinpoint the origin of where it may be coming from, we are limited in helping to decrease the symptoms. Depending on the trigger, the focus for where to begin to help could be different. For example, being prone to anxiety genetically is different than being introduced to it from an outside source. Other things to look out for are whether the anxiety stems from social situations or from personally imposed standards. Is your child nervous about social situations? Grades? Fear of something out of the ordinary happening? Narrow down what is worrying them. Not only does this invite an opportunity to reflect and empathize, it helps you gain perspective as a parent about how your child is viewing life.
- Many fears are quite easy to work with, and the facts of a particular situation may just need further clarification. If a child is worried a friend who has invited them over “may” have a dog when your child does not like dogs, could find quick resolution after speaking with the other parent. Some anxiety fears are obviously more challenging and professional intervention warranted, but not always. When it is the case, there are a multitude of interventions that a properly trained professional is able to introduce and within several sessions, improvements will likely be noted. Anxiety is one of the most common symptoms that brings children to see a counselor. However, it is important to not forget guidance counselors can address mild anxiety as well. Many even create groups for peers to discuss their feelings together. Don’t hesitate to check into your school community and take advantage of the resources they have.
- Finally, as a parent myself, I like to stress that our children are always looking to us for how to feel. If we are worried, it invites them to worry as well. It may be interesting to ask a spouse or good friend if you are exhibiting any of the same character traits you are observing in your own child. The good news is, it is never too late to become mindful about what we may be passing along. Education, awareness. and application of appropriate interventions can, and does do wonders, for both children and their families. I have seen many parents take some of the very tools I give their children, use them personally, and return excited to report improvements with their own anxiety.
Worried or not, tomorrow is a big day for many of us, sure to bring about a lot of varied feelings, for both kids and parents alike. Remembering the message of encouragement and love is by far the best thing you can offer. Thankfully these they happen to be something we all can provide leaving our children all the better for it.
Helpful Links:
APA, Teen Anxiety and Stress
by kaloscounseling | Atlanta, Local Resources, Priority |
Solace in the Suburbs
Escaping the hectic pace and what, at times, can feel like “the never ending to do lists” of life, I treasure opportunities to escape and just “be”. It is no secret that I am always on the look out for a restful place where I can get lost in a book, enjoy a cup of coffee, or even journal if time allows. Being alone in nature also is a favorite past time. Learning that I was moving to Atlanta several years ago, the thought of finding “solace” seemed like it might be next to impossible in such a large and bustling center of global commerce. Being one who does not like to claim defeat, I decided to set off and see what I could find in this uncharted metropolis.
Quite surprisingly, the more I dug, the more it became clear that big cities do not necessarily equal the theme of “all noise, all of the time.” From cozy neighborhood coffee shops to the full experience of an extended silent retreat, I found there existed a full menu of options.
Four years later, I am finding that I still enjoy spending time in my discovered places of quiet. I look forward to sharing a few of them, but continue to realize there are many that I have yet to try out.
- For starters, getting lost in a really good book in a place where I don’t know a single soul is admittedly one of my favorite guilty pleasures. Maybe it’s the lack of being distracted by the “urgent and immediate” that makes it so alluring. I am not sure if I could really narrow down the exact reason why I find it so enticing. I do know, however, that I won’t have to look very far the next time I have a few free hours, as I will likely be venturing out to some of the places listed here, “Cozy Places to Read a Book“. When this article came across my Facebook feed a few months ago, I knew it would be a perfect addition to this blog.
- The combination of exercise and nature brings about a serious spirit of reflection for me as well, especially if I am in a quiet place. It is most often these places where I am able to hear what I need to with clarity. Check out The Active Person’s Quest for Quiet if you can relate.
- If you are in a season where an extended retreat is an option, or where it may need to be, I can attest that these, Spiritual and Silent Retreats, are not to be missed. During a significant transition period in my own life, I took advantage of one. I still recount the experience being incredibly rich, both in spiritual and emotional replenishment. A second option for a spiritual retreat is this. I have not been personally, but it is most definitely on my list.
- Finally, if nothing shared so far suits your personality, there is always the 15 top places for quiet in Atlanta, researched by Four Square. As with any widely published recommendations, some ideas make sense, but some don’t…for me anyway.
In some strange and round about fashion, that could just be the point. We all refresh differently.
My hope is that by checking out some of these included resources, you find encouragement to get out there in your own way, however that may be, to look for solace. Ultimately, if you return a bit more rested and focused, it will have been well worth it. If you are able to prioritize the things that matter, even better. Should you return and find yourself able to be fully connected with the people who mean the most, you will truly know that you have found something special. When that happens, trust me…you will want to return again.
by kaloscounseling | Priority |
Apparently, July 5th has been designated National Workaholic’s Day. Who knew there was such a thing? In our day and age, the pace in which we live, so we can consume more, be more and do more, can’t not come without some kind of repercussion. I stumbled across this challenge from Marcus Brotherton as I was researching this topic.
“How about you? Can you press pause on whatever you can, wherever you can, and use these next few weeks to cultivate some more margin in your life? Can you purposely strive to recharge? Is that difficult for you? It is for me. Right now, it feels hectic—tension-filled, even—to even think about slowing down, to prune the branches of the trees that have grown too long and are now touching the house. And therein lies the EXACT paradox I want to address. I know that by doing less, I can actually do more. By doing fewer things, I can do them well. I just need to take a step forward and begin.”
He captures it well. It is summer. Perhaps today is the time to begin.
What do you think?
