Trauma: an experience that is not able to be metabolized, something that inhibits more pain than one can swallow.

The concept of trauma is often associated, and rightfully so, with the experiencing of an incomprehensible event.  War, an accident, physical or sexual assault, or a natural disaster in which lives and homes are destroyed fit the “trauma” definition.   I once heard the analogy (thank you Cloud and Townsend), that metabolizing a trauma “is like putting 5 pounds of terror into a 2 pound test tube.”  Without anywhere to go, the system has no choice but to stop working.

However, not only does the experience of a physically traumatic event cause breakdown, but an emotional disruption can as well.  As of lately, I have come to the realization that this holds true with various emotional experiences. The processing of grief, the experience of betrayal, or even being on the receiving end of slander invites distress. However, betrayal, especially if it is experienced by a person considered to be a primary caretaker has shown to be the most devastating.

Early on as a therapist, I provided forensic interviews and follow up treatment for children who were victims of abuse. Incomprehensible experiences were shared with me on a regular basis.  With both trepidation and courage, young victims shared sordid details of various atrocities they had gone through. During my time with them, I picked up on a pattern that my “twenty-something” self found surprising.  It happened time and time again that I would observe higher distress levels when a child discussed implied betrayals , especially if it were by the primary caregiver, than they did sharing details around the incident itself.  Even more significant, this distress increased tenfold if the person who was supposed to “protect them”  was their mother. Now, many years later, as I work with adults, the impact of betrayal, by whomever one has opened their heart to, continues as a pattern emitting great distress. Betrayal and the inability to trust is shaping up to be one of the most foundational realities I am seeing in determining not only the success of future relationships, but whether or not one chooses to put ones self “fully out there” to experience and “be loved” again.

Whether it be a parent who should have protected their child from a live-in boyfriends sexual advances, or a wife who was betrayed by her husband’s affair, a betrayed heart has lifelong implications. As vulnerability is taken advantage of, unknowingly or not, pain results. The significance of a secure attachment to the people we expect to be there for us may be one of the most important discoveries of our time. Once the confidence and assumption of trust becomes severed, the implications are endless.

If you happen to find yourself being stirred, perhaps remembering an experience of “betrayal”, please take heart. The good news is that healing is absolutely possible.

However, at the same time, what if the content above was processed by assuming the reader to be in a place of being able to prevent future betrayal, instead of being the recipient of it? That being said, I am inviting three simple questions to consider:

1. What would honoring the hearts of the people in our lives look different knowing what the implications of not doing so were detrimental?
2. What if the focus was less on “getting into trouble, or being caught”,and more towards  “keeping the heart intact ” of someone you cared about?
3. What if needs, fears, and temptations were set aside, as appropriate, knowing a short term thrill likely could impact a heart forever.

Although you may not have not experienced situations to the extent of the examples referenced above, it is safe to say, most of us can influence another’s perception of themselves with the role we have been given in their lives.  It may be why I like this so much.

Parent to child. Boss to employee. Friend to friend. Spouse to spouse.

The ripple effect of each of our choices matter. Choose the life-giving one.